the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
