he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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