Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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