I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
