it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
