god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
