Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
