I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
