I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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