Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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