respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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