I looked at my own cervix.
false alarm. still invincible.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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