wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
