who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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