mondays should just be called national damage control day
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
