There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
