I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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