She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
