Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize