listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
