Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
