They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
