Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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