My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
