sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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