Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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