I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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