Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
