He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
