What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
