some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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