Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
