So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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