I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
