Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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