You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
