She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
