I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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