I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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