apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
