I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My liver just had a heart attack.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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