one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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