nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
tell me about the fingering
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