About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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