Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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