Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
