remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
