i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I want a musical about memes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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