As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
3pm strippers are depressing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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