new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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