I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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