So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
