When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
