even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
