meet me or not, i'm out of control
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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