She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
