Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
