hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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