I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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