You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
