the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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