He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
