I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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